The Inevitable Zombie Apocalypse

There are plenty of so-called zombie movies that are actually something else. Some just don’t feature enough zombies to be a zombie movie (say, Night of the Comet) and are simply movies with zombies in them — a subtle difference, but worth noting. Others have a creature that could well be considered a zombie, but so closely hew to the plot structure, pacing and style of a different type of movie — a slasher film, say — that they can’t really be considered a zombie movie. That’s the case with Uncle Sam.

The movie shows us the story of an angry Gulf War vet who returns home dead (well, undead) and proceeds to wreak havoc and seek revenge against anti-war protesters, politicians and anyone else he thinks wronged him in any way. Despite the wooden performances and heavy-handed yet  somehow sleepy direction, this managed to be pretty watchable, even moderately entertaining. Maybe it was the ultra-creepy Uncle Sam mask the zombie/slasher wore? The weird-ass kid? The presence of veteran character actors Isaac Hayes and Robert Forster? I did watch it late at night, so maybe I was a little out of it and that helped? It’s hard to say. In any case, this is really a mediocre slasher movie with a zombie-like slasher, not a zombie movie.

Are you ready for a super wacky Japanese rock and roll zombie love story? That’s Wild Zero! And man, is it wacky! Think I am overselling it? Then just wait until you see how thick the actual movie piles it on.

It stars the ultra-cool band Guitar Wolf and a fan of the band named Ace, who really wants to be Guitar Wolf. A meteor brings the dead back to life as flesh-hungry zombies, Guitar Wolf is pursued by a double-dealing club manager, there’s a hot arms dealer and a transvestite who wins the heart of Ace. And it is so wacky.

I didn’t love this. It was too much rock-and-roll fantasy posturing and self-conscious wackiness and not enough zombie movie. It amounted to a long, self-indulgent music video in the vein of the old Beatles movies. It was still sort of entertaining, though. Just don’t believe the hype that this is anything special. It’s a mildly amusing, overly long, jokey music video for an overrated Japanese rock band — with zombies!

A lot of movies bore me. A fair number of them exasperate me. But very few anger me. It takes a special kind of awful to really make me mad and Dead and Deader fucking enraged me. I hated this movie with the kind of passion usually reserved for people that have done me wrong. Which, I guess, this sort of did. It was another zombie comedy except it wasn’t funny. At all. It was actually aggressively unfunny. Who told Dean Cain he could act? Worse, who told him he had the capacity to be funny, or react to funny things in a realistic manner? I want to hurt that person. I owe them pain.

It was poorly written, terribly acted, horrendously edited and barely coherent. Actually, no — it was completely incoherent. Plot? You want the plot? Yeah, so do I. It was largely missing from the actual movie, which just sort of skipped from moronic set piece to moronic set piece in a haphazard fashion. There were some scorpions that turn people into zombies and some army guys and … uh… who gives a fuck? Clearly not anyone involved in this production. There was a midget though, which was pretty much the movie’s high point.

The worst part is, the production values were clearly decent. And clearly wasted. I’ve seen movies ten times as good as this trash that were shot with budgets that were half what the craft service here probably cost. No one who worked on this should ever be allowed to make another movie, ever, and I wouldn’t watch this again if I was paid handsomely for the task. Avoid at all costs.

Every once in a while, I buy a movie without knowing anything about it. It rarely ends up well. A perfect example is the fact that I own Dead Moon Rising. It’s one of the dumbest and flat-out worst movies I’ve ever seen. The random, incoherent story pits a ragtag bunch of idiots in a fight against hordes of zombies, with nary an original idea in sight. Every fifteen minutes something new and stupid was added. The constant novelty kept it from being too slow, but made it extra retarded. The smirking, cartoonish goofball of a lead — who can barely act — delivers the majority of the story in a series of asides, which is just unforgivable. What else went into this shit sandwich? There were many lame attempts at humor. According to the cover, it has the largest zombie scene ever. I suppose that’s something, if it’s true (is there some kind of certifying board for that?). Basically, not worth anyone’s time unless you have to see absolutely every zombie movie ever made. In that case, save it for the last stretch and maybe you’ll luck out and die before you get to it.

Featuring the zombie calypso hits:
• “The Wailing Boat Song”
• “Brown Lifeless Eyed Girl”
• “Listen to the Screaming Steel Drum Player”
• “Zombie Girl in the Sand”
• “Jump in the Fishing Boat and Go, Go, Go”
• “When the Electric Fence Breaks”
• “The Last Papaya… Ever”

This one is the work of Roy Corey and Baelzar. Original beach photograph by Flickr user ippei-janine. Now we need some talented and zombie-obsessed musicians to record the tunes. Happy April 1!