The Inevitable Zombie Apocalypse

Is the world ready for a zombie/western comedy with Chris Kattan? Will it ever be ready? The makes of Undead or Alive didn’t bother to ask that question, they just plowed ahead at full speed. The plot give us one of those cliche odd couples on the run, plus an Indian curse that creates zombies, a corrupt sheriff and lots and lots of stupid.

Not surprisingly, the humor here is largely slapstick and juvenile. Surprisingly, some of it actually manages to be funny. And despite being essentially worthless and mostly terrible, I have to admit it was strangely watchable. It was also pretty weird. The ending in particular was just fucking odd — I can’t really say anything about it without spoiling it, but it ranks up there with some of the weirder shit I have seen in any zombie movie and seems wildly out of place in such an essentially lighthearted movie.

I can’t exactly recommend this movie, and I definitely didn’t like it, but it had something … maybe with better leads, or a slightly more polished script, this could have been something worthwhile. As it is, it’s just odd. But if you’ve already seen everything else at the video store or you’re having your own thirty-day zombie fest, it might be worth watching.

A daily roundup of all the undead news that shambles into view… Got news tips? E-mail me at cory.casciato[AT]gmail.com.

If you miss the 8-bit days of yore, check out Toxic Sonic Zombie Massacre, a retro-styled zombie-killing in-browser side-scrolling game reminiscent of Double Dragon, only, you know, with zombies. (Twitter @Zombie_Skool)

Enjoy this lovely slide show documenting what happens when zombies do Dallas, as 125 or so walking dead do a zombie, uh, walk for the Texas Frightmare weekend. (Dallas Observer)

If a banshee raised the dead, would those be zombies?  The story page for Damned by Dawn says “malevolent spirits” but they look corporeal enough in the trailer (embedded after the jump), and it’s a slooow news day so I guess we’ll see. (Horror-Movies.ca)

Another is-it-or-isn’t-it slice of zombie fare is Doghouse, coming to the U.K. on June 12 (and hopefully elsewhere later). This one has a village full of women afflicted with something that turns them into flesh-eating, monstrous freaks. Kind of like 28 Days Later on an estrogen OD, with more claws and teeth. You can judge for yourself if those are she-zombies when you watch the trailer (embedded after the jump). (Quiet Earth)

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The distinguishing feature of Death Valley: The Revenge of Bloody Bill was consistency. It consistently displayed utter incompetence in every element of the movie, without exception. In so many bad movies you can point to a good idea, or a good performance, or something good. Not here. This thing sucked thoroughly in every possible way.

Admittedly, a few things sucked worse than others, so maybe it wasn’t completely consistent. The music stands out for dishonorable mention. Ralph Rieckermann, you should never be allowed near music again. And seriously, why did such terrible music have to be played so often and so long? It was way too much music by general film standards.

The acting was also amazingly, universally bad. Stilted delivery, scenery chewing overacting and missed cues, sometimes all from one actor in one scene? Brilliant! Almost all the actors also had the dubious distinction of being unappealing in every way, although I have to admit the final girl/lead Chelsea Jean was okay. She couldn’t act at all, but I have a thing for spunky redheads.

The direction and cinematography — both by Byron Werner — were clumsy, amateurish and distractingly bad. Amazingly, Werner makes his living as a cinematographer. Admittedly, on crappy, low-budget projects, but still. This was bad. The shots were consistently framed in a way you couldn’t tell what the fuck was going on, or at least couldn’t see it even if you could guess by context. Far too many cheesy, MTV-style effects were used, mostly at random times. Everything was poorly lit and most of it was underexposed. According to the credits this was shot on film, yet it managed to look a lot like crappy digital video. The editing sucked, too. There were obvious mistakes in shots, cuts that lingered too long, cuts that cut too soon. The editing wasn’t done by Werner, but I assume it was under his direction, so I will blame him for that too.

And we haven’t even gotten to the plot, yet. Ready for a shocker? The story was terrible. It started with a flaky premise, shot that full of holes, then fell apart halfway through. A drug dealer stumbles onto a cursed town and gets eaten by zombies. Then his drug dealer boss carjacks a van full of teens (seriously? a big-time coke dealer can’t afford his own car?) on their way to some tournament and forces them to go to the town to find the drugs and money. Zombies come for them. Luckily, one of the kids knows all about the legend of the town and the horrible, evil, no-good undead Confederate that haunts it! Unluckily, that proves to be completely useless! Luckily, one of the girls (the one I liked) turns out to look like his sister! She uses this to trick him after everyone else is dead and mercifully, the film ends.

So, yeah. I’m afraid Death Valley: The Revenge of Bloody Bill earns a spot in the hall of shame. One of the worst movies I have ever seen.

A daily roundup of all the undead news that shambles into view… Got news tips? E-mail me at cory.casciato[AT]gmail.com.

The Wii is getting a rail-shooter version of the space-zombie shooter Dead Space called Dead Space Extraction. I haven’t played the original, despite mostly positive buzz, so I don’t know if I should be excited or not. (Dread Central)

Speaking of positive buzz and Dead Space, word is that the first game sold 1.4 million copies across all platforms. Not too shabby for  a new IP released during a serious recession, eh? (Gamespot)

If you can’t make it to the May 18 screening of the Corbin Bernsen directed, Bill Moseley starring, bio-terror zombie opus Dead Air, you can still catch it on June 6 at the New York Fangoria Weekend of Horror. Or just wait for it to come to your local theater/Blockbuster. Whatever. (Dread Central)

The festival hit Deadgirl, about two dudes that find a zombie hottie chained up in the basement of an old mental hospital and what happens when one decides to get his freak on with her, is coming to DVD September 14 via Dark Sky Films. (Fangoria)

There’s a new trailer for Rec 2 out. You don’t have to speak Spanish to get this but you will have to click off site (no embeds, sorry).

You need proof that the Nazi zombie subgenre is cursed? How about the fact that Shock Waves is widely considered the best of the bunch and it sucks. It’s Ken Wiederhorn’s directorial debut and I have no idea how he was ever allowed behind the camera again afterward. He hasn’t worked since 1998 if IMDB is to be believed, so eventually folks caught on. If they had stopped him after this crap, maybe he wouldn’t have destroyed Return of the Living Dead II.

The problems of this movie are legion. The zombies are frequently referred to as “stylish” but I was unimpressed. They move in rigid sync with each other, wearing dumb goggles and looking for all the world like refugees from a Kraftwerk parody video. They aren’t scary and they’re easily the best part of the movie. The bastards don’t bite, preferring to drown their victims for the most part. The killings are ridiculous and unbelievable.

The movie gives us a creaky tour boat full of Americans who stumble on an island inhabited by former Nazi officer watching over a sunken ship populated by Nazi zombie super-soldiers. Then they get killed. Far too little happens and the movie jumps around a bit due to poor editing, direction and writing. It wasn’t quite incoherent but it was definitely befuddled. It wasn’t suspenseful, gory or funny. It also wasn’t interesting. But it did have Peter Cushing and John Carradine, for all the good it did. Worthwhile only for historical interest.

A daily roundup of all the undead news that shambles into view… Got news tips? E-mail me at cory.casciato[AT]gmail.com.

The mainstream media is catching on to the awesomeness of zombies (surely a sign of impending zombie apocalypse) as the Chicago Tribune jumps in with a piece about the zombie zeitgeist and a short interview with Max Brooks, author of The Zombie Survival Guide and World War Z. (Chicago Tribune)

If you need more toys to announce to your friends, coworkers and loved ones how freaking much you love the undead, then you are in luck: Fearwerx has some special, limited-edition 8″ figures of the original zombie from Night of the Living Dead available. (Dread Central)

In the “It’s about frigging time” department, REC is getting a proper U.S. DVD release on July 14. That’s the good news. The bad news? No Blu-Ray release and only one lousy making-of featurette for special features. Lame. (Fangoria)

Late Friday, a rumor broke that Peter Jackson was returning to horror with a yarn about nazi zombies that travel back in time to kill Christ. Before your head explodes with awesomeness, be aware the rumor was debunked quickly. (Entertainment Weekly)

The cutesy, cel-shaded zombie game Zombie Wranglers is being released this Wednesday, May 6 on the Xbox Live Arcade for 800 XBL points ($10 in Earth moneys). (Team Xbox)

In other cutesy zombie game news, the downloadable Plants vs. Zombies strategy title releases tomorrow, May 5. And some woman went and knit up a bunch of Left 4 Dead characters and zombies. (Kotaku)

Also, if you’re reading this via RSS, is there any chance I could convince you to either leave me a comment or send me an e-mail and say “hey”? I’m trying to figure out how many of you are out there and I’ve yet to discover a good tool to do so. Thanks!

Kirby Krackle is the self-styled “World’s First Comic Book Rock Band,” and they have produced this lovely ukelele-driven ballad about the horrific inconveniences of the zombie apocalypse. It’s a fun, clever ditty that should appeal to anyone who’s ever spent way too much time pondering what the zombie apocalypse would look like in real life.

For more info on Kirby Krackle or to buy their album, visit the band’s web site.

A daily roundup of all the undead news that shambles into view… Got news tips? E-mail me at cory.casciato[AT]gmail.com.

The latest zombietastic figurine in the impressive Sideshow Collectibles “The Dead” line has emerged. It’s the Butcher, a cleaver-wielding bastard of a zombie that looks to be a Comic Con exclusive. I am not in a position to afford collectible toys that cost upward of $50, but if I were, I would want all of Sideshow’s Dead figures. (Dread Central)

Genre-vet screenwriter Simon Boyes (Broken, The Devil’s Chair) drops some details on Dark Island to whet your appetite. He actually reveals very little, but from what I can gather from the trailer (embeds disabled, sorry), it’s about a Lost-like smoke monster on a Lost-like island that turns folks into creepy, black-eyed zombies. Looks fun. (Bloody Disgusting)

If you PC players enjoy the 24-hour free trial of Left 4 Dead mentioned yesterday, you will also love the discounted sale price of $24 and the new, super-detailed stats-tracking might tickle your fancy, too. (Kotaku)

Speaking of PC gaming, when Resident Evil 5 comes to that platform it will support nVidia’s 3D effects if you have the 3D vision glasses (and a predilection for splitting headaches, one presumes). (Kotaku)

The August 14 release date I mentioned yesterday for possibly zombie-containing movie I Sell the Dead (this review makes it sound more like vampires, but I am still hoping for some zombie action) is not official. Perhaps someday it will get a release date (maybe even August 14) but don’t mark your calendars just yet, IFC is still ruminating. (Fangoria)

Speaking of IFC, if you like radio enough to pay for it (in the form of Sirius satellite radio) tonight on Fangoria Radio (Sirius channel 108/XM channel 139 at 10 p.m.) an IFC rep will be on hand to talk about Pontypool and Dead Snow. (Fangoria)

Finally, in just 30 days (June 1), the second annual Zombie Movie Marathon Month kicks off! That’s right, thirty zombie movies in thirty days, watched by yours truly and whoever cares to join me, either in real life or via the Intarwebs, watching the same movies or your own. Details will be forthcoming, but if you have suggestions for things I should watch, please leave them in comments or drop me an e-mail: cory.casciato[at]gmail.com.

I’m fairly certain that Cemetery of Terror is the first Mexican movie I have ever seen. If it is indicative of the quality of the Mexican film industry, I am not sure there’s any point in ever seeing another.

Sloppy, confused and unintentionally hilarious, Cemetery is a haphazard mish-mash of plotlines and ideas stolen from other movies. My best guess is the director/writer saw poorly edited, bootleg versions of Halloween, Burial Ground: Nights of Terror and Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things — or perhaps just overheard some garbled descriptions of them in a crowded restaurant — and decided to combine them (and probably a few more that didn’t occur to me) into one big mess of a movie. The confused plot concerns a Satanic killer named Devlon, the psychiatrist that’s chasing him, six dumb teens (one of whom looks at least thirty) partying in an abandoned house, a bunch of prepubescent trick-or-treaters out for a night of stupidity, an impossibly detached police chief (who happens to be the father of two of the trick-or-treaters), an evil book that can raise the dead and a terribly unconvincing cemetery. The killer gets killed, but our doctor knows that isn’t the end and tries to convince the police chief of the danger. The dumb teens find the evil book in the abandoned house and decide to steal a body and resurrect it to impress/scare their dates (yeah, because what woman isn’t impressed by a stolen corpse?). During the ceremony it starts raining (in one localized spot only, of course) and they take off just before the corpse begins walking around. Then it’s slasherville as the reanimated Devlon takes out the teens. Then the trick-or-treating kids get to the cemetery (a local dude helpfully gives them a ride .. wtf?) just in time for some bad special effects to appear and zombies to rise, then the kids take refuge in the house, blah blah blah, doctor shows up, blah blah, evil book must be destroyed, blahty blah blah … until the inevitable twist ending (which actually is kind of amusing and does have a genuine, if nonsensical, twist).

As I implied earlier, this is not a good film. It is, however, a frequently (and unintentionally) hilarious film. The mullets; the bad acting; the heavily bearded, overweight “teen” that has to be ten years older than the rest of his friends; the bizarre Michael Jackson-embroidered jacket one of the trick-or-treating kids is wearing; the frantic overacting and obvious way many of the actors look offscreen for their cues; and so, so much more actually made this kind of worth watching for the badness. It’s not much of a zombie movie, since the resurrected killer is definitely more of a supernatural slasher than a zombie and the real zombies don’t show up until the last twenty minutes or so, whereupon they proceed to act vaguely menacing while being totally ineffective.  Come at it expecting a watchable movie and you’ll be sorely disappointed, but get a few buddies, get a little wasted and go all Mystery Science Theater 3000 on this bad boy and you’ll enjoy it.