Ungood: FleshEater

Posted by Cory Casciato On March - 12 - 2009

flesheaterWhen zombies make zombie movies, bad things happen. The sole claim to fame offered by FleshEater is that it is the pet project of Bill Hinzman, who was the graveyard ghoul in the original Night of the Living Dead. He wrote, directed and starred in this turkey, which mashes up NotLD with any generic Friday the 13th inspired slasher film and ends up as a mess. A dumbass farmer unearths a zombie, who breeds more zombies in the usual, bitey way. This troupe of flesh-loving undead systematically kill a bunch of completely unappealing teens during a camp out. In a departure from completely generic zombiedom (but well in line with generic slasherdom), the zombies all use weapons — pitchforks, a hatchet, etc. — which gives a little bit of variety to the killings. Things are set to get all apocalyptic up in this bitch when the local townsfolk pull out the guns and wipe them all out — or do they? Then the end rips off NotLD‘s ending — what a surprise. Apart from being slow, dull and dumb, it wasn’t bad. Just kidding, it was bad.

As an aside, I am pretty certain this was filmed in rural Pennsylvania. Something about the scenery, the mullets and the ready availability of firearms and Iron City beer just reminds me of my time there.

Wooden: Severed: Forest of the Dead

Posted by Cory Casciato On March - 10 - 2009

severedWhat do you get from Severed: Forest of the Dead? Apart from starring the guy who plays President Roslin’s assistant on the new Battlestar Galactica, a fairly novel setting for a zombie movie (the forest!) and a new origin idea, not a whole lot. And even the novelties come with pretty severe caveats. The zombies here are created when genetically modified tree sap comes into contact with an open wound. It’s a fairly original but wholly retarded plot device. Explanations are overrated anyway. The lumberjack setting allows for a couple of creative, albeit barely shown, death scenes and it ends up feeling like a tease.  Once you get past the novel premise and setting and the familiar face what you’ll find is an uninspired, pedestrian zombie movie. The acting, direction and script are all mediocre, and the ending is pretty lame. It does manage to be moderately entertaining for its run time but it feels a lot like treading water. I mean, I don’t expect every zombie movie I see to blow me away, but it’s nice if they throw me a little bone here and there. This one simply didn’t and I was really disappointed they didn’t take better advantage of all those axes, chainsaws and wood chippers that were just begging to be used. Overall, not terrible, but not special.

Nostalgic: Night of the Comet

Posted by Cory Casciato On March - 6 - 2009

nightofthecometIn Night of the Comet a mysterious comet reduces nearly all of the planet’s population to a fine, red dust. Many of the survivors are turned into crazed zombies who chase and try to eat the unchanged. And there’s some mad scientists who want to use the unaffected to create a cure and save themselves. Facing off against these evil scientists are two sisters (one a cheerleader, of course) and a truck driver who will look familiar to fans of Star Trek: Voyager. It’s fairly lightweight and pretty dumb, but it’s also a lot of fun. The zombie makeup was excellent, but there are not nearly enough zombies in the film.

I have to admit to a fair bit of nostalgia for this movie. I must have watched it a dozen times as a kid, thanks to the miracle of cable TV. It’s clearly influenced by Romero, but it isn’t really a zombie movie — more like an apocalyptic sci-fi movie with a few zombies thrown in. Still, some of my adult fascination with zombies has to stem from the deep imprint this movie left on me as an adolescent.  And hey, zombies + apocalypse + ’80s = a good time in my book! If I didn’t have the nostalgia, this would probably warrant a lukewarm positive response. But I do, so I really enjoyed it.

Heavy: Homecoming

Posted by Cory Casciato On March - 4 - 2009

homecomingThe legendary Joe Dante takes on zombies in Homecoming, his entry in the Masters of Horror anthology. Overall he acquits himself well. It looks nice, the acting is solid and everything moves along at a nice clip. The story covers a group of zombie soldiers that return from the grave to express their opinion on the unpopular war that killed them (hint: they aren’t too fond of it). As well execuuted as this was overall, I really felt that it got bogged down by its politics. It’s so heavy handed in its approach to its message that it distracts from the experience of watching it, even if you more or less agree with its position (although some parts of it work precisely because they are so blatantly taking aim at some political hack, such as the scene where the Ann Coulter-esque character takes a bullet to the head — that worked great for me). I watched it for the first time recently and I wonder if I would have liked it more if I’d seen it right after it came out in 2005. I’ll watch it again in five years and see if I feel the same way – this one may actually be easier to swallow when what it is commenting on isn’t in that weird, not-so-fresh gray area between current events and history. After all, the idea of soldiers returning from the grave to express displeasure with the way they were used is an essentially timeless idea.

Soulless crap: Wicked Little Things

Posted by Cory Casciato On March - 3 - 2009

wicked-little-thingsThe gutless Wicked Little Things is representative of a disturbing trend in horror over the past six to eight years, toward generic, slick and soulless genre exercises. It features mediocre, if generally competent, acting, combined with stiff, pedantic direction, a questionable script and just enough gore to slip under the censor bar while throwing a bone to gore-hound fans. The plot of this stinker seems to have been generated by writing various horror movie tropes on cards, shuffling the deck, then dealing out half a dozen cards and calling it a story. This one got flesh-eating zombies, scary-ass dead kids, single mom moves to small town with a secret, possibly imaginary friend, revenge haunting and running in the woods. It does remarkably little with that haphazard collection of ideas. It is probably a tad better than Mortuary, another film that is representative of the same trend. Still, a tad better than utterly atrocious is still fucking miserable.

A muddled mess: Mortuary

Posted by Cory Casciato On February - 27 - 2009

mortuaryIt’s hard to believe Tobe Hooper directed Mortuary, a steaming pile of crap about a mortuary built over the lair of a Lovecraftian beasty that can reanimate the dead. Note to developers: storing dead people over a creature capable of reanimating them is a bad idea. Note to filmmakers (the ones who made this, and any others out there): cramming in half a dozen subplots doesn’t keep me interested, it just makes them all underdeveloped and leads to gaping plot holes. You’ve got a romance subplot, a bullying rowdy supplot, the crazy sheriff, the city councilman who may or may not know what’s going on, you’ve got the scary deformed kid who once lived in the house, the family secrets, the … blech, I lost track at some point. The other big problem with this movie is it takes forever to get going, then crams all the good stuff — not that it’s actually very good, mind you, because the writing is terrible –  into the last 25 minutes. So it’s slow, slow, slow, then chaotic and incoherent. Fun! Only, not really. At least most of the cast was decent, so only some of the acting was painful.

Inanimate: City of Rott

Posted by Cory Casciato On February - 26 - 2009

cityofrottThe animated City of Rott is something of a curiosity, as one of the very few animated feature-length zombie movies in existence — the only other I am aware of is the CGI-animated Resident Evil: Degeneration. Unfortunately, its one-of-a-kind status is its only real appeal. It’s bad. Real, real bad. The art and animation is strictly student-film quality, and bad student-film quality at that. More to the point, it’s like the scribblings on a junior-high math notebook come to life, or undeath, or whatever. The main story — about an old man looking for new shoes in the midst of a zombie apocalypse — is nonsensical and meandering.  Compounding the issue is the fact that a whole new set of characters and plot points are introduced over halfway through, and none of them made much sense either. It was all done by one guy — art, animation, writing, voices, everything — and it shows. Especially noteworthy are the female voices, which are achieved by speeding up the creator’s voice — very clever. At only 78 minutes, the movie feels like 178 minutes. Apart from some vaguely interesting ideas (brain-infecting worms cause zombies) and one or two mildly amusing moments, CoR is without redeeming qualities. Do Not Watch.

The Video Dead

Posted by Cory Casciato On February - 25 - 2009

videodeadWhat you get with The Video Dead is direct-to-video gem from the ’80s that feels, at times, like a modern-day parody of that era. I mean, the main character is in college, studying aerobics and music video. Yeah, seriously. Here’s the plot: a cursed TV that shows an endless loop of the faux film Zombie Blood Nightmare (along with some other weird shit, including a noirish succubus and a grizzled demon slayer) comes into the possession of a family in the ‘burbs. The zombies escape the television, murder ensues and the heroes (two unsupervised suburban teens) are left trying to kill the zombies and restore normalcy, with the help of a former owner of the TV who happens to be some kind of cowboy.

This thing is all rough edges but it’s got its merits. Some highlights: a bride zombie who wields a chainsaw, a brilliant plan that involves dangling live human bait from a tree to lure the zombies in for the kill and a machete/chainsaw duel that ends as badly as can be imagined. The zombies here are interesting. They are plenty decrepit but seem to have an unusually high degree of self-awareness for the undead. They can’t stand their own reflections, for example, and seem to remember at least some things from their days among the living. They even display a macabre sense of humor at times. They’re also unkillable — shooting them, cutting them up and other trauma just slows them down temporarily.

As interesting as elements of this are, it’s not really surprising that it is so obscure. The plot is full of holes, the acting is shoddy and the direction is strictly functional in the most limited sense of the word. It’s weird — I kind of hated this while I was watching it, but as soon it was over I realized it was pretty cool in its limited way. If you run across it at a garage sale or maybe on late-night TV, it is definitely worth a look.

Broken promise: New Year’s Day

Posted by Cory Casciato On February - 24 - 2009

newyearsdayTechnically, New Year’s Day is not a movie. It’s an episode of the FEARnet.com anthology series Fear Itself. Whatever — the distinction is pretty meaningless these days. The plot of this one follows a young woman who finds herself smack dab in the middle of a zombie outbreak after an epic New Year’s Eve bender. As you might surmise, she has to get across town to “safety” in the middle of all this shit. It’s not a bad set-up but this movie has some serious issues. The acting is fairly atrocious, but it’s not like the actors had much to work with – the writing is worthless. Add to this some utterly spastic and nausea-inducing editing techniques (think bad music video meets epileptic nightmare) and you have a pretty painful hour to sit through. The twist ending (I won’t spoil what the twist is, in case you want to watch it for yourself. You can do that by visiting the New Year’s Day page on the FearNET site) takes steps towards redemption, but then the inconsistencies pile up and you’re left wondering what a decent writer, director and cast could do with a similar idea — this group (including veterans of 30 Days of Night and the Saw franchise) fucked things up pretty good.

Rip-off: Zombies the Beginning

Posted by Cory Casciato On February - 23 - 2009

zombies_the_beginningIn Zombies the Beginning, you have a classic steal – the filmmakers (Italian “legend” Bruno Mattei, chiefly) took Aliens, replaced the aliens with zombies and voila, new movie! Only, not very new – we’re talking line-for-line swipes 95 percent of the time. There are a few moments of amusement to be found here in seeing how they deal, or fail to deal, with the changes necessary to realize the zombified take on Aliens. There are also a few moderately humorous lines, including the obligatory nod to George Romero. Then there are a few real WTF moments, such as the weird brain that controls the zombies, the pregnant women incubating zombie babies (which seems awfully redundant and pointless since a zombie bite appears to makes more zombies, but whatever), the weird air-conditioning ducts that lead to the pregnant women in one scene and the fucked-up zombie-hybrid naked hobgoblin children that presumably come from the pregnant ladies. Mostly though, it’s just a dull, tepid, cheaply made Aliens rip-off that isn’t worth the time it takes to sit through.

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