Shit, it’s been a while. I keep having other things to do and the update keeps getting pushed back, but here, at last, the latest batch of movies.
The Dead Matter
Vampires and witches and zombies, oh my! This is an ambitious little indie about a group of friends who accidentally unleash some zombie hell when they find a magical locket sought by a vampire and use it during a seance. There’s also a vampire hunter and a rivalry between vampires. There’s a lot going on, and not all of it meshes well, but kudos to the filmmakers for a bit of ambition! Also, Tom Savini is in this, hamming it up as one a vampire drug kingpin. Parts of this work really well, much of it less so, but overall it’s worth a look. That whole “DEATH IS THE ANSWER! DEATH IS THE ANSWER! DEATH IS THE ANSWER! DEATH IS THE ANSWER! DEATH IS THE ANSWER! DEATH IS THE ANSWER!” thing was surprisingly creepy.
The Living Dead Girl
This is one of those movies that really makes you look at those hard-and-fast definitions of “zombie”, which is probably its sole saving grace. The plot concerns a dead girl brought back to life via toxic waste. She has a hunger for the blood of the living, not the flesh, but she’s no vampire. She also looks as alive as anyone, despite being dead for more than a year, and even retains her personality and conscience, once her old best friend meets up with her and helps her remember. So is that a zombie? Not in the Romero sense, for sure, but a reanimated corpse hungry for the living is pretty zombielike, right? Anyway, the film is dull as fuck, but it does have some gratuitous nudity if that does it for you.
Anyone can make a zombie movie, and here’s proof! There’s a porn star slumming as a “real” actress and a bunch of stupidity and some zombies in a swamp. The zombies got there when a medical researcher dumps them in response to a surprise inspection. They come back to life and start eating people. It’s all very dull, but they get their mileage out of that porn star with a long, salacious shower scene. Pretty sleazy and not all that interesting, but maybe inspirational if you always wanted to make a shitty zombie movie starring a porn actress! I mean, if these guys did it, how hard can it be?
Night of the Day of the Dawn…
The full title of this is actually Night of the Day of the Dawn of the Son of the Bride of the Return of the Revenge of the Terror of the Attack of the Evil, Mutant, Alien, Flesh Eating, Hellbound, Zombified Living Dead Part 2 and that is by far the most interesting thing about it. It’s little more than a redubbing of the original Night of the Living Dead, replacing the original audio with some idiot doing stupid voices and spewing misogyny, racism and homophobia spiked with juvenile toilet humor. Then, every once in a while, they break for something stupid. Ugh. So awful. I would really like my time back, please…
In the zombie apocalyptic future, porn and murder have become one, and the titular Johnny Sunshine is the world’s most popular porn star/murderer. Also, sometimes she chops up zombies with power tools for people’s amusement. Okay, this film has a couple things going for it. First, it’s shockingly stylish as far as the credits and interstitial graphics go. Second, it has a lot of ideas crammed in there. On the downside, the ideas are all repulsive, and so is the film. It’s about ten minutes of story padded to eighty minutes of movie with lots of lingering, pron style visual sequences. You get lots of rape and torture and gratuitous nudity and goth kids showing off their wardrobes. It would be even more repulsive if they didn’t manage to make it all so dull. And boy, is it dull. Hilariously, the sets appear to be two generic apartment living rooms/main rooms and one garage, all barely “decorated,” making it completely obvious what you’re looking at. The main character reminded me a bit of my first ex-wife, though.
Living Dead Lock Up
Did I say anyone can make a zombie movie? This movie is evidence that actually, maybe not everyone can. I mean, it is a zombie movie. It does exist. But holy shit is it a mess. It looks like the kind of thing you’d turn in as an assignment in a high-school videography class and get a C- on. Blurry, incoherent and just plain dumb, this is the absolute bare minimum you can even halfway call a movie. Also, it apparently has not one, but two sequels. God save us all. (Oh, it’s about a guy who goes to prison, then zombies. Like that matters.)
EDIT 10/28/14: Had to finish a sentence I somehow chopped off in the Johnny Sunshine blurb. Derp.